kyooverse: Inability to K.I.S.S.

Ergane (

kyooverse) wrote,
@ 2007-12-11 11:59:00

Current music:

Kanye West - Good Morning

Inability to K.I.S.S.
With GRE attempt #1 out of the way, I find it nearly impossible to get on the horse and create a life that looks something like other peoples. And while I know, on paper, that is possibly a huge mistake -- I am not other people; I cannot have a life like other people -- the fact remains that before GRE attempt #2, I need a different approach to my life.

This lead to me calling my friend, Natalie. Natalie is one of the wisest and smartest people I know. I met her when I was a sophomore in college -- her first year of graduate school. It is fair to say she took me in and kept me protected and safe when I felt like it was me against the world and the world was winning. At the time, she was straight -- or so she said. She thought she was straight... and after a bit, she came, little by little, into her beautiful B/black dykehood. (This was in 1994 in Columbia, SC at the University of Washington... yes, she was the first B/black graduate student I met and she listened to "white" music, too, and I looked and look up to her. Currently, she is in Salem, OR living with her partner, Pam, for over 10 years... I don't remember the exact count... I think they got together in 1996... which means 11 years... and I sang "Makes Me Whole" by Amel Larrieux at their wedding... and that Shania song... *shudders*) Anyway, Natalie told me to keep it simple. Dedicate myself to one thing and do that one thing if I do nothing else.

Good advice, if I could take it. Take this morning. After a week of being sick, sleeping days and being awake all night (... but I did do laundry one of those nights so I am not that disgusted with myself -- just missed the sun and people), I awakened at 7:30 am. Good job, right?! What did I want to do? "Get out of the house." No sooner did I state this to myself than a process appear. I needed to do yoga, the kitchen is a mess, I should shower and jerk off... do I jerk off, shower, do yoga? Makes no sense... yoga will make me sweat. Jerk off, do yoga, shower, leave? But how could I leave the kitchen such a mess? Oh, and the floors need washing... and take a shower? The bathtub needs cleaning. Well, I could stay home instead. Shit, I need to update my resume. OK: Jerk off, do yoga, clean the tub, do the dishes... no, something seems weird about that order. Meanwhile, the movie is 45 minutes into itself and I am missing Cole finally get fucked, losing all pretense and really get it good.

By the time I am completely done and spent, I know that I need to write about this and see if anyone wants to chime in. On the surface, I think the problem is a lack of disciplined thought. However, maybe I need to make a list and start striking through it and see if that helps me organize things a little better.

... I hope Rye took my bike to work... because it certainly isn't there...

And to think, I was thinking of going to the library downtown to read and thinking about how I wanted to ride my bike and envisioning walking. *grins* So connected.

Writing this entry was on my mad process list. I am looking at the kitchen... but I think I might watch Stomp the Yard instead. ... yeah, my laziness doesn't help at all.

*smiles*

(Post a new comment)

circusenvy
2007-12-11 08:18 pm UTC (link)

I love you, Bear.

I think Natalie is right. I think that even making a list might be too much, that just picking one thing and doing it is what you need. You talked about going to the Downtown Library to read, and I think you should do that. I did take the bike, so you could just bus down here, pick it up, and head on out if you want.

It's really easy to get caught up in things and overwhelm yourself, I do it too, and doing something, even if it's just one thing, feels way better than doing nothing. Get out there, Bear.

I love you.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

kyooverse
2007-12-11 08:44 pm UTC (link)

I love you, too, Bear. But geez... No offense, but this is kinda trite, no? I mean, I know what I talked about... but then all the everything rushes in. Sure, I could go to the downtown branch to read, but those dishes aren't going to wash themselves and you don't wash them very well. ... or only do it to a point.

I don't think I am as much overwhelmed as much as there are a lot of things that need doing and no one can do them but me. There's some order to it, a secret process to achieve everything I want to do... but reconciling the little and the big is problematic.

Besides, I did do one thing. I wrote. I did two. I jerked off. I did three. I am awake during this day which means I more than likely have corrected my sleep pattern. I don't think you always notice the things I do because you are listening too closely to me to detach and give me that objectivity I sorely need. Getting into my subjectivity means I can attack you from the comfort of my personal concerns...

(Reply to this)(Parent)

	kyooverse 2007-12-21 10:39 am UTC (link)
	Bear, I am sorry I ate your head. Love, Bear (Reply to this)(Parent)

	stagger_lee77 2007-12-11 09:13 pm UTC (link)
	i'm having a hard time keeping anything simple these days. i'm overthinking EVERYTHING. sometimes i think it would be easier if i just calmed the fuck down and did one thing until it's done, then move on to the next thing, so on and so forth. (Reply to this)

	miladyelizabeth 2007-12-12 03:58 am UTC (link)
	I remember Natalie - she was really awesome. I'm glad to hear life is treating her well. :) Sounds like you're going through a lot of what I have been- getting back to being me, if that makes sense. I wrote a lot of lists, organized notes, and somehow seeing things on paper made it more manageable. I could take them in big chunks and pick out baby steps to do. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	kyooverse 2007-12-12 05:04 am UTC (link)
	Do you do that, too? Decide on an action and then are able to see all the steps you have to go through in order to actually action it? sighs I will make good on my list thingie. I will make... cue music the list to put my on my life path! Yeah, Nat is really awesome... I need to call her... last I heard, she was having some wifey troubles. (Reply to this)(Parent)

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